Una invitación a una celebración conmigo!

The past 3 years has been a very challenging and exciting voyage for me. It was surely filled with hard work, optimism-pessimism twister days, carefree laughter, hopeful prayers, as well as proud-and-down-moments tears. Not to forget, bottomless coffee and draggin’-out-of-bed ritual as epic morning routines. To my surprise, it was not easy, although it was doable. But more importantly, I learned that, although external influences were powerful, my self-wills and disposition have been my biggest challenges (maybe they will always be).

Time indeed flies and as I officially wrapped up this chapter, I am now standing again for another new beginning of my life. I would like to always remind myself that great mind comes with great responsibilities. Thus, I am thrilled to embrace the world, to contribute for the good and refuse to give in to the bad, as an individual filled with grace, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a girlfriend, a (good) friend, a student (of life), an employee, a colleague, a neighbor, and a stranger (and many more to come in the future).

Therefore, as a crossing point of those promise and premises, I would like to celebrate this occasion with you all in my graduation ceremony on May 15, 2011 at Rutgers University. Do not worry of bringing cool balloons and lovely flowers (although thick ang bao(s) are much appreciated)! Your presence is simply heartwarming. Last but not least, I would like to thank each of you, to have been part of where I am standing today and hopefully in the future too!

Stay hungry – stay foolish!

Unexpected conversation

I hope it is not only me who feels like avoiding somebody whom you felt so different from. I am fully aware that it seems too anti-social, but for a lack of better reasons, it's just hard to find a common ground or an interesting topic to converse, we think. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-social but unfortunately, that is what I tend to do. But this one conversation that I had 2 weeks ago, proved me wrong. There is nothing to worry about, and being yourself is just most comfortable. In the end being different makes you unique. I am proud that this time I can fight this negative thought. Otherwise, I almost missed an opportunity to meet a person who shares a very similar vision about life and how we want to plan our future. Yet, we have completely different personality.

Don't even ask me about my first impression of him. He reminded me of Chuck Bass, so arrogant and full of attitude. His face was so intimidating! Smirky smiles, pointy eyes, and fake friendliness haha... and they were just not warm. I quickly pulled my hand and turned my head after I introduced myself. That's it, no more fake friends I thought. But, I just don't get away too easily. Couple friends decided to go to a lounge, and we ended up sitting next to each other! Awkward! Then he started asking me some questions and we started talking on and on... we talked about many things from study to work, us to family, now and future, plan and fear, and bottomline, sincerity. I just never expect that to happen, especially with a person like his type. Not a dot.

Everything just happened too fast and left such an impression on me. I did not even say goodbye that night when I left, I am not sure where he was actually. I just hope that we can keep in touch nevertheless. And because of this chance, two questions were then popped in my head. Have I not explored the world? Have I been too hard to myself that I define myself too shallowly? Well I just wanna say thanks to you Mr. super-outgoing, you helped me open my eyes. All the best. And actually I'm proud of myself that I tore down my imaginary boundary about us!

Couldn't be by myself...

Ugghh.. my back hurts after about 2 hours of shoveling the snow around my car. There was a snow storm 3 days back and since I parked in the corner of the parking lot and I did not shovel the next morning, I decided to let it sit there and used my house-mate's car, a 4WD. Oh yea.. a bit of shoveling and I am out of the jam-packed 20" snow! I was giggling and poor Civic next to me, the couple has been shoveling here and there and yet the car didn't move.

Oh well, revenge time, the plower actually came and cleaned the parking lot. Unfortunately they plowed the snow and make a snow-barricade around my car. They tried to contact me to move my car and daaa... I was at work! So today first thing in the morning I plowed that barricade. Good thing, it was quite sunny but the snow has become quite ice-hard and harder to shovel! But I made it.

That was the time that I realized... gosh...I probably don't want to be alone (soon and for the rest of my life!). And now I questioned myself how was that possible that I lived by myself for 2 years? But more, there was a time, when I was naive and careless and thought to myself, so what if I do not find someone to marry. I can be by myself! Hahaha... well it is a simplified definition of a husband, isn't it? someone to plow the snow for you?! I did not mean that way but I guess it is more to a representative of a bigger picture, that human are not supposed to be alone. and I ate my own words! (quote this from a friend post in facebook). And the question now, is it worth it for me to spend my time here for work while being away from my loved ones? Tell me abut priority vs trade-offs -_- Only time can tell... but I just hope that I did not make a mistake, and if I do change my mind, I hope it will not be too late.

i am happy for you

guess what? i guess 'it' wrong these past days! haha... and when I realized it today, I just want to laugh out loud! it's funny. but you know what, one think that I learned from this is that what people show on the outside is different from what they think or feel inside. That's what I do too sometimes, just to bury my sincere feeling, cover my imperfection or simply not to make other people worry.

but anyway, I am happy for you buddy! welcome to the new journey that hopefully will make your days brighter! cheers...

to my new buddy whose kindness i misinterpret =p

answered prayers

I could not emphasize more that God is good... so good... As I always being reminded, He will answer our prayers perfectly at the right time, never too soon nor too late, in fact He knows what we need more than ourselves.

As I might have confessed the other day, on the day of my commencement of my undergrad, I felt like a complete failure... totally... part of me was telling me that I did not fight and study hard enough. With that, I made a promise to myself that when I got back to my school for my graduate study, I will fight and I will try and try and try again... As a matter of fact, it is my best friend, n-y-o-t, who somehow infects me with her spirit, enthusiasm, confidence and discipline. She is one of the blessing in my life, and I know that she is definitely going to be my once in a life time kind of friend. I am lucky because not everyone in their life can meet such person who make a big impact in their lives. Going back to the topic, I promise myself to be more active, more confident in taking leadership roles, in doing my projects (in my ability to do it), in convincing recruiters that I can get the job done! in being myself... a better me, personally and intelectually.

Telling you the truth, during my undergrad oftentimes I felt desperate, questioning what was so bad with me, that I did not get an internship in a multi-national company, that people underestimate me, that I did not get that exceptional flying-color grades, that I just cant do my job. and when I looked back, I realized that I was all over the place, I was not focus, I tried to do all things at the same time. Some people might be able to handle it, but for me its better to have 2-3 works at the same time but with sufficient time and effort I can focus and deliver fine results. By being unable to deliver results, it discounted my confidence even more, leaving me with wandering brain.

Good thing I realize my mistakes, and more, I have people around me who always believe that I can do better (who else can assure me better =p). Those small 'exercises' in life were meant to train me to better handle bigger things in the future - I get it. and Yes, I went through the next chapter of my life with obedience, optimism, and integrity every day, because it hurts to remember the times when I was just not good enough...

Through it all, God has answered my prayers today... and in my first year of my graduate study, I have given an opportunity to have a leadership role, I have gotten a scholarship, and I am offered a summer internship at Cadbury (I got the offer today!!). I was offered a co-op at Campbells Soup last semester but things are just not working right in terms of time and my professor, and I just let it go. But I really do believe at that time that the Lord will give a better one, and its happening! Without any doubt, my next path is going to be busy , challenging, and exciting... but I am ready! because God is sooo good...

I am alone tonight, but I gotta celebrate it... baby back ribs, salad, and onion ring... thats a lot for one person... but =)) cheersss!!

with my deepest thank you to: David, Melvany and Tia, you help me to be who I am today...

I want to share...

Well, I'm pretty sure that all of us has been through some kind of battle and struggle, in life, in work, in study, in career, in love, in your brain and heart... in becoming a better person (this should be always our constant goal i guess). And anyway, I am touched by these pieces and I would like to share it. Not any words and sentences like these get me motivated but it might be that I hear it at the right time, the time when I am really afraid that I cannot finish my master degree on time. That I cannot meet my own promise... and that's what I fear...

THE CLIMB by Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head saying,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
-- keep the faith

and another one:

NO FEAR by Scott Mcintyre

and when we feel incredible fear

let us reckon that He's always near

did you ever think to say a word in prayer

you know that He will hear

and when we feel incredible fear

let us not shed one single tear

even when the road is narrow and confused

you know He'll make it clear

now that i know that

its gonna be alright tonight

he's watching with his eyes

i have no fear coz He's always near

to me he's right here by my side

i am afraid

when im lost at sea

and i cant be brave, no no

when i trust in me

these are the times in which

i called in Him the most

i know He sets me free

a lonely wonderer

walkin on in fear

fearing fear itself

you conquered it

and rose again

what is to fear

against FEAR

I would like to share this paragraph of simple poem about facing fear. I found it accidentally in an enzyme assay guide, since most of the time enzyme assay does not work due to carelessness and lack of attention to details... but actually that's what happens in life too...

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
- Bene Gesserit Littainy against Fear. Frank Herbert, Pg 19 of Dune

Yes, I shall not fear! :p

to be stronger, from a lesson to be learned

Honestly, my heart aches, my mind evaporates, my consciousness rebels. It is so hard to make the right decision, when you are not ready, when you think too much (my buddy told me in my birthday card > you think too much and in the end you did not do it hahaha... dang! she knows me well!!). A lot of people told me, just do it, you'll never be ready, what is the definition of your readiness, just do it, you can do it (and I said it in my heart, yes I will do it, only if I can offer you with an extra, it is not free, it is called 'responsibility', indeed it costs you time, your sleeping time, or harshly life under pressure and retard your personality! haha...). I do not agree that being under pressure is always bad, but if it grabs your focus, then it is a sign of a badness for you.

Aside from my intellectual and career improvement, I came back for graduate studies to exercise my leadership capabilities. I always believe that I can be a leader, one of a kind, given the practice and chance, given my nature to be able to listen, observe, understand and learn from every individual and every situation I am in. Though it was a dream, it comes to reality. And I do not know for how many times, I have passed these kind of opportunities, due to my under-confident reasons and again I blame time for it, for being only 24 hours a day (though I realize the limited time that I have, yet I still waste most of them!!). Do I throw away this life time opportunity? As of now, I would say yes... (maybe I will say no, years later, when I will know what I have learned from this situation). I am still in battle for 3 days, kind of in the situation that I am trying to be a good psychic, predict my future and cheering myself that I have made the right decision. And by not taking this great responsibility, I am more focus in my study, be a great food scientist and so-on. But there is always the devil side that scream in my ears, saying see you do not take the chance, and yet you are just a mediocre. Yet you still graduate 1 semester later than you expected, yet you do not produce a good manuscript. Damn it!

Regardless of his reasons, my best friend is indeed not a fan of volunteer work, unpaid jobs by involving in organization. I would say that this time I took his advice for full consideration. My intuition wants to blame him but my logic definitely blames myself not being a stronger individual, stubborn and not easily be influenced by opinions with strong reasoning. This is another situation where I want to learn to be an extremist and come on.. adopt a side! I would say in my life, I am a bi-partisan, I fully understand and appreciate that every person has their own reasoning of thinking in certain ways and doing such actions. I do not try to convince people to adopt certain perspectives that I believe, except that's obvious and that's useful for them. Unfortunately, my bi-partisanship has betrayed me! Nevertheless, he has brought up good points... well actually other than he wants me to be more focus to what I do, he has no other intention. It's true that many times, I did too many things at the same time, divide my attention, and in the end I become a mediocre. A position that I hate the most, first, after being underestimated.

After all, I regret that I do not pray and ask and spare enough time to consider this opportunity. At the end of the day, I am just not ready to give the right answer. Another lesson that I take is that prayer is significant... this is not the first time that I fail to believe that my prayer is part of my decision making process. And for Christians, you know what lack of prayer means...

I believe that I many times I have been so selfish that I did not reflect and evaluate what I have done. I am sucked with business, with my plan for the future without realizing that to step forward means not to repeat the same mistakes. And how would you know that you do the same mistake if you do not know the source. So lesson learn is, allow yourself to think... reflect and imagine... really do take the time... it happens to me several times that during this time, creativity and ideas are born. and importantly, do pray... with humbleness, whole-heartedly...