Honestly, my heart aches, my mind evaporates, my consciousness rebels. It is so hard to make the right decision, when you are not ready, when you think too much (my buddy told me in my birthday card > you think too much and in the end you did not do it hahaha... dang! she knows me well!!). A lot of people told me, just do it, you'll never be ready, what is the definition of your readiness, just do it, you can do it (and I said it in my heart, yes I will do it, only if I can offer you with an extra, it is not free, it is called 'responsibility', indeed it costs you time, your sleeping time, or harshly life under pressure and retard your personality! haha...). I do not agree that being under pressure is always bad, but if it grabs your focus, then it is a sign of a badness for you.
Aside from my intellectual and career improvement, I came back for graduate studies to exercise my leadership capabilities. I always believe that I can be a leader, one of a kind, given the practice and chance, given my nature to be able to listen, observe, understand and learn from every individual and every situation I am in. Though it was a dream, it comes to reality. And I do not know for how many times, I have passed these kind of opportunities, due to my under-confident reasons and again I blame time for it, for being only 24 hours a day (though I realize the limited time that I have, yet I still waste most of them!!). Do I throw away this life time opportunity? As of now, I would say yes... (maybe I will say no, years later, when I will know what I have learned from this situation). I am still in battle for 3 days, kind of in the situation that I am trying to be a good psychic, predict my future and cheering myself that I have made the right decision. And by not taking this great responsibility, I am more focus in my study, be a great food scientist and so-on. But there is always the devil side that scream in my ears, saying see you do not take the chance, and yet you are just a mediocre. Yet you still graduate 1 semester later than you expected, yet you do not produce a good manuscript. Damn it!
Regardless of his reasons, my best friend is indeed not a fan of volunteer work, unpaid jobs by involving in organization. I would say that this time I took his advice for full consideration. My intuition wants to blame him but my logic definitely blames myself not being a stronger individual, stubborn and not easily be influenced by opinions with strong reasoning. This is another situation where I want to learn to be an extremist and come on.. adopt a side! I would say in my life, I am a bi-partisan, I fully understand and appreciate that every person has their own reasoning of thinking in certain ways and doing such actions. I do not try to convince people to adopt certain perspectives that I believe, except that's obvious and that's useful for them. Unfortunately, my bi-partisanship has betrayed me! Nevertheless, he has brought up good points... well actually other than he wants me to be more focus to what I do, he has no other intention. It's true that many times, I did too many things at the same time, divide my attention, and in the end I become a mediocre. A position that I hate the most, first, after being underestimated.
After all, I regret that I do not pray and ask and spare enough time to consider this opportunity. At the end of the day, I am just not ready to give the right answer. Another lesson that I take is that prayer is significant... this is not the first time that I fail to believe that my prayer is part of my decision making process. And for Christians, you know what lack of prayer means...
I believe that I many times I have been so selfish that I did not reflect and evaluate what I have done. I am sucked with business, with my plan for the future without realizing that to step forward means not to repeat the same mistakes. And how would you know that you do the same mistake if you do not know the source. So lesson learn is, allow yourself to think... reflect and imagine... really do take the time... it happens to me several times that during this time, creativity and ideas are born. and importantly, do pray... with humbleness, whole-heartedly...
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