His *love* is X~traVaganT...

yep yep... Jus wanna shout that it was amazing..!!! Wonderful is His plans for me...^^!!! Finally... I got my acceptance letter from CORNELL, an Ivy League campus!!! hahaha... I jus cant differentiate between laughter and tears... I jus cant believe it... this is the first time in my life that I was crying because of happiness...

during 3weeks struggle of making the personal statement... I realize that there is a thin line between hope and giving up. but thats the time that I realize how He loves me so much... day by day... and how unthankful I am if I cant give my BESTest to Him... and there it is all the hard work... He gives me the promise on time... not too early... and not too late...

although cc really dissapointed me at the first time, as she "mencabut" her promise to make the personal statement for me for some reason (wrong request though,,, instead of editing, I expected finished product of essay), I truly glad that she did it...
I still remembered the email she sent to me... It is not a matter that I didnt hav time to make it nor the ability to make one, its just I didnt want to push myself more.. more.. beyond my limit... she told me so... and thats soo true Sis... its time for me to grow up... and stand on my on feet...
aniwae she is still the MosT sUper DUpA LoveEly sister that Ive ever had... she still helped me edit my personal statement...

and for all my Buddies that had helped me... Im so thankful... more than words can explain...
One of them ever said to me that 'I will help you all I can Vid... u can trust me... cause you deserve to go there' UuHHhhmmm.. a bit Ge-Er.. im not those geniuses but all I can do is just giving my best.. and im just soo terharuuu... it was 5am I guess.. and we're still thinking the topic of question3.. not even writing a paragraph...
It just He works through the people that helps me... all...

and yeah... I just want to continue doing my best... cause thats my part..
I will not walk by sight anymore but with faith... producing nothing to impossibilities...

Ma, Pa... here I am and I will never ever dissapoint you...
I just want to go home asapp.. and show how my life is changed by His love...

mengais masa lalu...

redup sudah dian purnama malam ini...
membayangi sejuta pikiran
yang mengais masa lalu...
mungkin berlalu sambil menoleh
nun ku jatuh dan terantuk...
bilamana ku bangun
membangun komitmen baru
seakan berat menghapus kenangan
menyeret ataukah terseret...
mungkin bukan dunia bila tidak ada pilihan
pilihan bukan pikiran...
pikiran bukan pelarian...
semakin berlari semakin lelah ku berusaha...
dan bila sudah tiba waktunya
ku kan tahu jawabnya...
Jawaban atas 3 purnama lamanya...

...If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two...
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
...And to be once again with you...
To be once again with you...

In memories...
The 12 left over roses
(02/14/2004)

fat free - stress free

hahahaha... heran juga ya sejak kapan aku mulai tergila gila ama semua makanan yg fat free!!! sampe makanan bayi yg tasteless aja dibilang enak ^^ tapi enak beneran sih.. kayak sweet potato bites nya Licia... hMhMmm... 1kaleng plastik cuma 100kalori doank.. haha.. i feel good.. sinless.. haha
aha.. i know mungkin gara2 makanan fat free resulting in stress free kali yaa...
ada ada aja.. btw kmren baru beli springles yg fat free... alhasil makan kebanyakan hampir mo batuk.. untung nda keterusan... tapi hari ini ke rumah temen ada LaY's --> sama aja... mwahahahaha... maklummm... cewe gituuu...
it feels gut when u feel puas pas ngemil hahaha.. isn't it!?! ^-^ U roCK...

and So it is...
summer ini ambil kelas chem kayak orgiL dekil gokkIL... pengen teriakkk I HavE nOo LIFE huahuaha... tapi i suggest people to take it.. but work hard!!! daripada ambil semster biasa kayake ini isa lebih fokus sih soale nda ada kelas laen.. kcuali ambil yoga pagi2 hahaha... i've been trying hard to wake up at 7. it's working the first week but turned out to be "beep" maleSs bangettt.... =P

and,,
messy mind!!!
ive been wondering around banyak banget ni di pikirannn...
musti volunteer musti kerja musti ambil toefl SAT musti maen2 juga musti masak musti bersih2 rumah musti jual buku fuihh....
banyak banget yaaa...
arrrgggggghhhhhhhh.....
aniwae take it EZ.. ada waktunya ndiri kok..
better sleep sleep sleep... zZZZzzZzZZz... ^(OO)^

face it with no fear!

janji adalah janji..
kayaknya sekarang aku uda bisa ngerti kalo dunia ini bukan mesin. dalam konteks kalo aku pingin sesuatu then i'll get it instantaneously. everything comes in process. Juga perjanjianku dengan "Dia yang namaNya boleh disebut" [sok harry potter banget]semua datang seperti apa yang tlah dijanjikan.. ada trade off dan ada consequency tapi semua itu worth it...
Kadang memulai sesuatu dari diri sendiri emang susah, tapi ngga ada salahnya untuk dicoba dan diusahakan.. T-R-Y.. coz u'll nver know 'till u try...
And from the effort of trying i learnt a lot of things which challenges me, and shape me to be tougher and tougher..
I don't deny that I'm struggling hard.. but it's the art
Thank you for teaching me to realize that...

**

For Margareth, murid Haas BUsiness of School Berkeley yang lemotnya minta ampun..
MAR you WILD! I'm so proud of you.. You're my motivation of the day..
I'll follow your hard work and be like you one year from today... to make my Mom proud of me..

takut berharap

lain dari biasanya...
that's all that i wanna sae..^^
tapi aku bener2 takut untuk berharap.. takut untuk mengetahui yang sebenarnya.. takut mendengar fakta.. takut untuk menghitung hari tanpa kepastian..
sedemikian kali aku meminta..
sedemikian kali doaku tertunda..
sedemikian kali doaku dijawab..
aku memang diombang ambingkan tapi ku tak pernah berhenti percaya dan berharap.. harapan yang menjadi kenyataan..
setengah hatiku meluapkan antusias tiada batas...
separoh jantungku berdegup gugup..
akankah semuanya berjalan sesuai skenario..
tidak... tidak... karena naskah itu tidak padaku.. pada Dia lakonku diperankan..
tapi sungguh aku takut berharap..

**

dikoyakkan sudah mataku... dan tetes air mata menepis pedihnya..
sekarang aku mengerti betapa aku kadang sendiri begitu palsu atas sekelilingku. kadang aku menuntut terlalu lebih tanpa memberi lebih. bukan sesuatu yang mahal hingga tak terbeli, sesuatu yang murah sampai uangpun tak mampu membeli..
kini kan kubuka mata dan mata hatiku lebar2..
supaya aku mengerti bahwa yang kupetik adalah yang kutanam..
dan supaya tidak akan ku kehilangan apa yang kutanam di dalam hati temanku.. terima kasihku atas kejujuranmu..

for both of my astonishing buddies..

sepenuh hati

"kadang qta ngga nyadar kalo sebenernya ada pintu laen yg terbuka buat qta di saat qta menunggu pintu yg tertutup".
sebenernya sih bener juga.. buat apa gitu nunggu sesuatu yang ngga pasti sedangkan yg laen itu uda jaminan. dalam hal ini mungkin aku terlalu perfeksionis ato bisa dibilang ngga fleksibel si cuman it's just not easy for me..
soalnya aku ngerasa aku lebi familiar dengan pintu yg terdahulu..
in my perspektif siapa tau if i wait "a little" longer.. someone will open the door for me... who knows.. tapi siapa tau juga aku uda nunggu lama tapi nda ada hasil eh malahan smua pintu uda kekunci... alhasil tidur di pinggir jalan de huahuaha... jayus juga ya... dilemma... sadis juga iya..

itulah mungkin qta dituntut untuk bisa buat keputusan yg bijaksana
ngga cuma asal2an.. n mesti dipikir sungguh2
supaya ngga nyesel..
karena skrang aku nyadar semua kesempatan yg ada benere cuman dateng 1kali setelah itu nda ada tawaran ulang...
if u want it then u have to take it.. with all the risks..
if u don't want it then leave it...
there is no grey between black and white..
begitu juga hal ini..
seharusnya kuteguhkan hatiku lebih
supaya aku tau bahwa hatiku yang berbicara..
muraniku yang berbisik.. bahwa ia benar..

nineteenth...

Yesterdae is my bdae...^^ turning 19 already..
19 years i've been living in this world wit all the things i've done n all the plans that i wanna make for my future..
I feel like i'm an explorer in this adventurous world..
aniwae dat's a wonderful dae.. a blessing.. a new page..

one disapponting thing...
one of my old buddies has forgotten my bdae... so sadd...
I didn't expect that much.. but it's just my bdae.. plz sae something.. >_<
maybe we didn't mean to be 'friends' like it used to be..
these are the time that I fear the most.. when it really hurts..

T.G.I.F ~ Thank's GOD It's Friday

it's really TGIF...
akhirnya weekend dateng juga... but so sad >_<>
hari ini tadi aku ikutan workshop for tutoring... it's kinda fun loh...
tapi boring juga si... bayangin 3jem duduk doank...
but todae I met Jennifer Blackman, ketua Tutoring Center di DVC wuikk keren puol..
it seems that dia bener2 uda pengalaman... she knew all the details!
sampe percakapan yang mungkin bakal terjadi between tutor and tutee aja dia bisa nebak!
i just wonder gimana dia bisa bertahan memperdalam keahliannya aja... 15taon in DVC...
those pple seems like challenging me...
mereka itu kyaknya tu liat aku sambil bilang... u can be an expert like me...
hahaha.. aku kegedean rasa kali ya...

another issue lately...
aku slalu bertanya2 dlem hati, knapa waktu itu kadang ngga adil banget.
semuanya berlalu cepet banget, dan aku ngerasa kesempatan kedua selalu ngga tersedia buat aku...
it's just unfair..
tapi ini bukan masalah adil ato engga...
it's just about the right time sebenernya... just be patience...
tapi kenapa semua harus terlewatkan tanpa aku sadar dan ketika aku sadar semua sudah terlambat...
aku butuh jawaban, apakah ini harus kulalui supaya aku lebih peka... makin peka...
sakit banget... it's just something missing within me..

...
kadang waktu membuatku berpikir
terjungkir balik
membentur tulang belulangku
mungkin membuatku terkoyak
tapi sejenak mengetuk
bertanya
kuberpikir
mereka bilang itulah quantum
gumpalan lubang hitam
tapi memoriku menyangkal
membawa kembali kenangan
dan bukan kemampuanku
untuk memutar kembali waktu
bila saja kubanting detik-detik di dinding
dan membekukannya dalam desau angin
ku kan mengenangmu tanpa penyesalan
...