Sang Pemberontak

Kenyataan memang manusiawi sifatnya...
manusiawi sakitnya...
Tuhani keberadaannya...
membawa segenap pertanyaan dan harapan
membanting setir takdirku?
begitu ambigu...
tipis beda antara tanya dan harap
mungkin pemberontakan dalam ragaku
memuntahkan harap dan tanya
mungkin semuanya adalah,,
takdir sang pemberontak,,,
yang berusaha merubah keadaan,,,,
tapi Pertanyaannya adalah;
apakah sang pemberontak cukup perkasa
untuk membuktikkan kenyataan harapannya?

untuk semua aspek kehidupan sang pemberontak [yang patut dikubur]-- karena keberadaannya bukan dari Sang Hyang Widi

[what a today]

well.. well.. well..
i like today honestly... there are ups and downs... there are hopes and failures... very contrast... deliberately very 'mengiris' both my mind and my feeling... others might say 'cuman gitu aja la' or 'tenang, masi ada kesempatan laen' or 'iya emang gitu orangnya' or 'udahlah, lupain aja' or 'lets not talk about it' but for me its the opposite, for me smua bukan sekedar 'gitu aja', for me... I f e e l a l i v e t o d a y

11:40 - vid, gw abis contact Janette. gw, ketrima di Cornell, is it possible by any mean that we become roomate?
yes.. sure if they release me from the lease. n yeah finally they release me!!! i guess si Jen ama patti ama satu orang lagi yg aku ga tau namane udah gleng2 kepala hahaha... studio-1bedroom-2bedroom-studio-2bedroom. thats the scenario. aniwae Ill move to Casa Roma!!! its not Roma but its a comfy 'papan' i guess with garasi yg beratap... i wont gorok2 salju lagi taun depan kalo mo pegi ke mall! hahaha.. sorry salju, that I avoid U, I just dun like ur intense adhesiveness on my car...

13:50 - our policy is very strict. u came late so u missed the quiz. sorry, u are a good student. don't worry. btw, where are u going for spring break? CA? uuhh, thats great! warm! enjoy then.
hey gimme a break, i dun wan to loose any more points in this class, meeting with bacteria twice a week has made me sick, tho they're cute for a peek under microscope, it doesnt mean i want to marry U! John Song sejauh galaxy bimasakti lebi cakep, bener kata Mboki!!!) kenapa tadi coba bisa telatttt... why... i felt ive done so much for this Indescribable deeply rooted mbencekno puol2an ta kutuk pake minyak si nyong2 abrakadabra juambuuuu classs... but it's just never gut enough??? si nenek lampir juga pake basa basi lagi nanya mo ngapain spring break setelah membuat aku maraahhhh bery bery bery upset kuadrat quadruple... yang jelas ga dating ama bacteria nenek!! then, i felt the warm tears falling, blurring my kacamata... n i just went to the restroom to avoid Renato Orsi, my brazillian TA yang uda mbo-hwat kali with me..

14:40 - fortune cookies says; somebody far gives you good news (terbukti Mila telpon)
second fortune cookies says; vacation . . . . (lupa) . . . . (yang pasti I need my spring break n its coming soon! yeah beibeh... for my buddies in DVC - i a m c o m i n g ! denger gak? AKU DATENG!!! ga denger? AKUUUU DATEEENNGGGG SABTUUUU TENGAHHHH MALEEMMM!!!! tetep ga denger>> tolong pergi ke THT terdekat.. if u hav insurance, kalo ga ada ya.. too bad.. u didnt hear the gut news uahuhaua... am i sedeng?)

00:20 - we encourage u to apply next year's Summer Scholars Program
ya ya ya... fine... aku menerima dengan lapang dada... tapi ciyut kerelaan. then im going back to CA for summer school in Berkeley kayaknya - masi planning. but then its gut im going Pinole again... I miss Pinolian... I miss mami yuli and my baby sitter; olive oil and carbol'u... or maybe am i going summer mission? well... lets see hows my other back up plans going...

my energy, guts and the instinct of survival seems like disumat dan dihanguskan hari ini
kata orang jawa - setengah, mati... tapi yang bener setengah, hidup
karena orang mati ya mati,,,
but orang hidup punya imaji+empati atas orang mati,,,
im not talking about mortality... cause i dun want to be breathless,,,
i want to deliver accomplisments in my life before I end up my natality,,,

t o d a y . . . i w a n t t o e n d t o d a y . . .

-K L A T-

yeah... treasuring... i guess thats the word of the day... why? hmm... no idea,,,
but hv been so busy lately my prelims are queing n to keep myself awake "melek-melotot" every nite i stuffed myself MASSIVE food... felt so guilty but i wanna welcome myself to a cornell life hahaha..
hari ini dari jam 12 malem ive been eating: 1wrap musho beef, 2apple, 3pieces of orange milano, 1 CTB mochaccino grande, 2x nasi+walnut shrimp+musho beef, 1raspberry biscotti, half cookies n bbrp gelas aer.. oaahhhh... n what is my activities to burn smua setan-lemak-busuk itu?
duduk selama berjam2 sejak bangun, pergi kelas lab bio-duduk lagi, pulang duduk lagi pushing my brain to understand and memorize all the reactions for my orgo prelims and then duduk lagi buat exam, pulang, sampe skrang di depan komputer... yang pasti tetap duduk,,, n i felt my cecek (kata tyok) melipat2!!! arrggghhhh.. i guess this is too much description but thennn i felt relieved!!!!
i hvent been berkumpul dengan manusia lately... yes cornell penuh dengan lautan orang... but I havent really talk to pple here... talk... the way i talk to my buddies (cc-luv u, GGC-stick wit U, ucil-my crush*, pak rian-my 'private' ryan, wibowo-he's WoW!, ivon-my fave jajan klepon~) sharing my thoughts, exchanging some gossips, latest news, and misc. things... just talk.. cracking my brain, wrecking my mouth, and vomitting my hearts' beat. I wanna talk tanpa harus bersopan santun ria, berbasa basi busa... I wanna talk... sincerely... percakapan yang menelanjangi satu sama lain... in short.
well.. ill find some times next week during my spring break... to fly my weariness away... and treasuring new things more and more...

I just found this kata-kata,,, and I think I get what it means...

Heart Determines

It's ok to kiss a fool,

It's ok to let a fool kiss you,

but never ever let a kiss fool you....

It's still best to wait for the one you want

than settle for the one available.

Best to wait for the one you love

than settle for one who's around.

Best to wait for the right one.

Life is short to waste on the wrong person....

It is better to meet the person who will truly love you later,

than meet someone now who promises to loveyou but sooner or later leave you forever.....

Never try to impress someone to make himher fall in love with you

If you do, you will be expected to keep the standard for the rest of your life...

Fate determines who comes into our lives.

The heart determines who stays...

Dalamnya Lautan...

aku baru sadar hari ini betapa kadang ku tidak mengenal orang2 di sekelilingku. itu karena aku tidak mengenal diriku lebih. banyak hal yang terjadi, banyak cerita telah tertulis, tapi kadang semuanya tidak membuat aku belajar untuk lebih dewasa. sepertinya perubahan2 yang begitu drastis bukan masalah sepele.
itu hanya sepenggal introduksi untuk secuil pemikiran yg menghabiskan waktuku hari ini.
mempertanyakan dalam hatiku. di manakah wajah2 yang selama ini aku cari? seakan mereka2 menyembunyikan batang hidungnya daripadaku. mungkin itu bukan intensi mereka. tapi kenyataannya kita mengambil persimpangan jalan yang berbeda sehingga kita hanya bisa berpaling karena sekalipun kita meneriakkan nama satu sama lain. gelombang suara itu dibelokkan oleh hembusan angin. entah ke mana. bukan maksudku untuk membiarkan itu terjadi tanpa berusaha. tapi tercekat. pita suaraku terbelit. atau mungkin berkelit.
tanpa kusadari pula, genangan air yang kulewati menampakkan bayangan diriku. betapa terkejutnya aku karena bola mata ini juling. dan kuingin menahan pedihnya bahwa aku begitu picik. dan kulihat lagi dalam cerminan itu. tampak sepasang mata hitam nanar indahnya. dan pemiliknya. kenapa selalu ada kabut yang menghalau penglihatanku. membuat jalanku remang. tanpa arah untuk meraih tangan seseorang untuk kujadikan pegangan. sekian kali hanya bayangannya yang mengelabuiku. meninggalkan sesat dalam ketulusan. sekali lagi ku telah dikelabui. nun gontaiku sudah berawal. untuk menuntunku kembali ke awal.

untuk seseorang yang telah mendeteksi betapa rapuhnya fondasi otakku atas arsitektur jendela hatiku. kuakui kau detektif yang produktif.

FlaSh.. SpLaSHh... ~flusshhh~

I should be glad for what I did not deserve...
I should be grateful for what I could not acquire...
I should be human for feeling desperately dissapointed...

Whatever doubt that clogs my arteri...
would never get me a cardiovascular disease!
heart attack is possible,,,
and I might die sooner than I expected!
I do not need a formaldehyde balm to eternity...
indeed I will dissapear for being diggested by the tear-jerked scavengers...
capturing a greater probability for a glimpse of reunion,,, in the next reincarnation...