I would like to share this paragraph of simple poem about facing fear. I found it accidentally in an enzyme assay guide, since most of the time enzyme assay does not work due to carelessness and lack of attention to details... but actually that's what happens in life too...
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
- Bene Gesserit Littainy against Fear. Frank Herbert, Pg 19 of Dune
Yes, I shall not fear! :p
Saturday, February 21, 2009
to be stronger, from a lesson to be learned
Honestly, my heart aches, my mind evaporates, my consciousness rebels. It is so hard to make the right decision, when you are not ready, when you think too much (my buddy told me in my birthday card > you think too much and in the end you did not do it hahaha... dang! she knows me well!!). A lot of people told me, just do it, you'll never be ready, what is the definition of your readiness, just do it, you can do it (and I said it in my heart, yes I will do it, only if I can offer you with an extra, it is not free, it is called 'responsibility', indeed it costs you time, your sleeping time, or harshly life under pressure and retard your personality! haha...). I do not agree that being under pressure is always bad, but if it grabs your focus, then it is a sign of a badness for you.
Aside from my intellectual and career improvement, I came back for graduate studies to exercise my leadership capabilities. I always believe that I can be a leader, one of a kind, given the practice and chance, given my nature to be able to listen, observe, understand and learn from every individual and every situation I am in. Though it was a dream, it comes to reality. And I do not know for how many times, I have passed these kind of opportunities, due to my under-confident reasons and again I blame time for it, for being only 24 hours a day (though I realize the limited time that I have, yet I still waste most of them!!). Do I throw away this life time opportunity? As of now, I would say yes... (maybe I will say no, years later, when I will know what I have learned from this situation). I am still in battle for 3 days, kind of in the situation that I am trying to be a good psychic, predict my future and cheering myself that I have made the right decision. And by not taking this great responsibility, I am more focus in my study, be a great food scientist and so-on. But there is always the devil side that scream in my ears, saying see you do not take the chance, and yet you are just a mediocre. Yet you still graduate 1 semester later than you expected, yet you do not produce a good manuscript. Damn it!
Regardless of his reasons, my best friend is indeed not a fan of volunteer work, unpaid jobs by involving in organization. I would say that this time I took his advice for full consideration. My intuition wants to blame him but my logic definitely blames myself not being a stronger individual, stubborn and not easily be influenced by opinions with strong reasoning. This is another situation where I want to learn to be an extremist and come on.. adopt a side! I would say in my life, I am a bi-partisan, I fully understand and appreciate that every person has their own reasoning of thinking in certain ways and doing such actions. I do not try to convince people to adopt certain perspectives that I believe, except that's obvious and that's useful for them. Unfortunately, my bi-partisanship has betrayed me! Nevertheless, he has brought up good points... well actually other than he wants me to be more focus to what I do, he has no other intention. It's true that many times, I did too many things at the same time, divide my attention, and in the end I become a mediocre. A position that I hate the most, first, after being underestimated.
After all, I regret that I do not pray and ask and spare enough time to consider this opportunity. At the end of the day, I am just not ready to give the right answer. Another lesson that I take is that prayer is significant... this is not the first time that I fail to believe that my prayer is part of my decision making process. And for Christians, you know what lack of prayer means...
I believe that I many times I have been so selfish that I did not reflect and evaluate what I have done. I am sucked with business, with my plan for the future without realizing that to step forward means not to repeat the same mistakes. And how would you know that you do the same mistake if you do not know the source. So lesson learn is, allow yourself to think... reflect and imagine... really do take the time... it happens to me several times that during this time, creativity and ideas are born. and importantly, do pray... with humbleness, whole-heartedly...
Aside from my intellectual and career improvement, I came back for graduate studies to exercise my leadership capabilities. I always believe that I can be a leader, one of a kind, given the practice and chance, given my nature to be able to listen, observe, understand and learn from every individual and every situation I am in. Though it was a dream, it comes to reality. And I do not know for how many times, I have passed these kind of opportunities, due to my under-confident reasons and again I blame time for it, for being only 24 hours a day (though I realize the limited time that I have, yet I still waste most of them!!). Do I throw away this life time opportunity? As of now, I would say yes... (maybe I will say no, years later, when I will know what I have learned from this situation). I am still in battle for 3 days, kind of in the situation that I am trying to be a good psychic, predict my future and cheering myself that I have made the right decision. And by not taking this great responsibility, I am more focus in my study, be a great food scientist and so-on. But there is always the devil side that scream in my ears, saying see you do not take the chance, and yet you are just a mediocre. Yet you still graduate 1 semester later than you expected, yet you do not produce a good manuscript. Damn it!
Regardless of his reasons, my best friend is indeed not a fan of volunteer work, unpaid jobs by involving in organization. I would say that this time I took his advice for full consideration. My intuition wants to blame him but my logic definitely blames myself not being a stronger individual, stubborn and not easily be influenced by opinions with strong reasoning. This is another situation where I want to learn to be an extremist and come on.. adopt a side! I would say in my life, I am a bi-partisan, I fully understand and appreciate that every person has their own reasoning of thinking in certain ways and doing such actions. I do not try to convince people to adopt certain perspectives that I believe, except that's obvious and that's useful for them. Unfortunately, my bi-partisanship has betrayed me! Nevertheless, he has brought up good points... well actually other than he wants me to be more focus to what I do, he has no other intention. It's true that many times, I did too many things at the same time, divide my attention, and in the end I become a mediocre. A position that I hate the most, first, after being underestimated.
After all, I regret that I do not pray and ask and spare enough time to consider this opportunity. At the end of the day, I am just not ready to give the right answer. Another lesson that I take is that prayer is significant... this is not the first time that I fail to believe that my prayer is part of my decision making process. And for Christians, you know what lack of prayer means...
I believe that I many times I have been so selfish that I did not reflect and evaluate what I have done. I am sucked with business, with my plan for the future without realizing that to step forward means not to repeat the same mistakes. And how would you know that you do the same mistake if you do not know the source. So lesson learn is, allow yourself to think... reflect and imagine... really do take the time... it happens to me several times that during this time, creativity and ideas are born. and importantly, do pray... with humbleness, whole-heartedly...
Friday, December 19, 2008
questions to be questioned VS question to be answered
Most of the time, I try to be critical, I try to think and if I still don't understand, I started to ask questions to get the straight answers. Normal. Unquestionable. Acceptable. But have you ever feel that most of the time even you have to come up with some questions first before we're getting the answer. and sometimes it is as hard as doing your exam when you don't really study. and what are the relevant questions that you have?
I was wondering a lot, have I made the real decision? Though your feeling sway, stable and sway again, is that just a frequent storm or is it really a weak foundation? but really the scariest question that I am always afraid to ask is - do you really have a passion no matter what... and u'll find the answers/// but not until you try and do it, and in the end it is your right to abandon it or to keep it as yours forever... i can guarantee that sacrifices and compromises have to be done more than you have imagined... and these are the things that really you cannot accept neither heart or mind!
I was wondering a lot, have I made the real decision? Though your feeling sway, stable and sway again, is that just a frequent storm or is it really a weak foundation? but really the scariest question that I am always afraid to ask is - do you really have a passion no matter what... and u'll find the answers/// but not until you try and do it, and in the end it is your right to abandon it or to keep it as yours forever... i can guarantee that sacrifices and compromises have to be done more than you have imagined... and these are the things that really you cannot accept neither heart or mind!
Saturday, November 08, 2008
'the' stain
Well, i would say that at least in my life, unconsciously, I'm building memories. Some of them, I can forget easily, some of them just stick in my head no matter how hard i try. Those that I forgot, most of the time are the things that are repetitive. But those that I remember are things, happenings, which torn my world apart or those that change my life completely, change the way I think from that moment on. Until, again at some point, after time goes by, after I grew up, after I had clear understanding of what's happening, after I convince myself to have a big heart and wake up to face the reality, then they are gonna be part of my past that I can laugh or cry on but yeah life goes on and they're just stains for me. Stains that remind me not to make another same stain.
I was talking about things and happenings earlier. But with other people, people who left and leave their footprints in my life, I would not easily disregard their significance no matter how insignificant are their actions. I believe people that I met and will meet are going to challenge my perspectives. Anyway the point that I am making is that I don't forget people easily.
But in the past 6 months of my life, I realized that there are people who have and are going to get rid of my significance in their life and replaced me with someone else. No big deal. Uhh. No its a big deal if it was done by people who left stains in my life. It's hard to understand but true I am not created for everybody a.k.a I cannot make everybody happy. I learned and probably this is the best situation for them and for me. But still things are not that easy. I cannot let everybody do that to me. and at this time there is one person that I actually do not want to say goodbye to before its too late. With madness, I would like to face this with big hope that soon things are changing. And if you still don't get it, and you don't try to explain it, after all what I can say is that I am sorry. Simply, some restrictions apply here that we cannot be honest towards each other.
I believe there are time and place and illusion that separates us, 2 different world that I can't see can walk hand in hand. and I am too weak to believe that someday I or you can resolves from all the differences. But for now... I really want to say that you've stained my heart... and it hurts to see you putting the distance though i believe that every sane human being would say that you are doing the right thing. and again I fail to forget things... due to the presence of standards and incompatibility that matrix my logic. and no matter how complex things are, contradiction, opposition, and insanity... my heart ever beats harder for you...
I was talking about things and happenings earlier. But with other people, people who left and leave their footprints in my life, I would not easily disregard their significance no matter how insignificant are their actions. I believe people that I met and will meet are going to challenge my perspectives. Anyway the point that I am making is that I don't forget people easily.
But in the past 6 months of my life, I realized that there are people who have and are going to get rid of my significance in their life and replaced me with someone else. No big deal. Uhh. No its a big deal if it was done by people who left stains in my life. It's hard to understand but true I am not created for everybody a.k.a I cannot make everybody happy. I learned and probably this is the best situation for them and for me. But still things are not that easy. I cannot let everybody do that to me. and at this time there is one person that I actually do not want to say goodbye to before its too late. With madness, I would like to face this with big hope that soon things are changing. And if you still don't get it, and you don't try to explain it, after all what I can say is that I am sorry. Simply, some restrictions apply here that we cannot be honest towards each other.
I believe there are time and place and illusion that separates us, 2 different world that I can't see can walk hand in hand. and I am too weak to believe that someday I or you can resolves from all the differences. But for now... I really want to say that you've stained my heart... and it hurts to see you putting the distance though i believe that every sane human being would say that you are doing the right thing. and again I fail to forget things... due to the presence of standards and incompatibility that matrix my logic. and no matter how complex things are, contradiction, opposition, and insanity... my heart ever beats harder for you...
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Sang Pemberontak
Kenyataan memang manusiawi sifatnya...
manusiawi sakitnya...
Tuhani keberadaannya...
membawa segenap pertanyaan dan harapan
membanting setir takdirku?
begitu ambigu...
tipis beda antara tanya dan harap
mungkin pemberontakan dalam ragaku
memuntahkan harap dan tanya
mungkin semuanya adalah,,
takdir sang pemberontak,,,
yang berusaha merubah keadaan,,,,
tapi Pertanyaannya adalah;
apakah sang pemberontak cukup perkasa
untuk membuktikkan kenyataan harapannya?
untuk semua aspek kehidupan sang pemberontak [yang patut dikubur]-- karena keberadaannya bukan dari Sang Hyang Widi
manusiawi sakitnya...
Tuhani keberadaannya...
membawa segenap pertanyaan dan harapan
membanting setir takdirku?
begitu ambigu...
tipis beda antara tanya dan harap
mungkin pemberontakan dalam ragaku
memuntahkan harap dan tanya
mungkin semuanya adalah,,
takdir sang pemberontak,,,
yang berusaha merubah keadaan,,,,
tapi Pertanyaannya adalah;
apakah sang pemberontak cukup perkasa
untuk membuktikkan kenyataan harapannya?
untuk semua aspek kehidupan sang pemberontak [yang patut dikubur]-- karena keberadaannya bukan dari Sang Hyang Widi
Thursday, March 16, 2006
[what a today]
well.. well.. well..
i like today honestly... there are ups and downs... there are hopes and failures... very contrast... deliberately very 'mengiris' both my mind and my feeling... others might say 'cuman gitu aja la' or 'tenang, masi ada kesempatan laen' or 'iya emang gitu orangnya' or 'udahlah, lupain aja' or 'lets not talk about it' but for me its the opposite, for me smua bukan sekedar 'gitu aja', for me... I f e e l a l i v e t o d a y
11:40 - vid, gw abis contact Janette. gw, ketrima di Cornell, is it possible by any mean that we become roomate?
yes.. sure if they release me from the lease. n yeah finally they release me!!! i guess si Jen ama patti ama satu orang lagi yg aku ga tau namane udah gleng2 kepala hahaha... studio-1bedroom-2bedroom-studio-2bedroom. thats the scenario. aniwae Ill move to Casa Roma!!! its not Roma but its a comfy 'papan' i guess with garasi yg beratap... i wont gorok2 salju lagi taun depan kalo mo pegi ke mall! hahaha.. sorry salju, that I avoid U, I just dun like ur intense adhesiveness on my car...
13:50 - our policy is very strict. u came late so u missed the quiz. sorry, u are a good student. don't worry. btw, where are u going for spring break? CA? uuhh, thats great! warm! enjoy then.
hey gimme a break, i dun wan to loose any more points in this class, meeting with bacteria twice a week has made me sick, tho they're cute for a peek under microscope, it doesnt mean i want to marry U! John Song sejauh galaxy bimasakti lebi cakep, bener kata Mboki!!!) kenapa tadi coba bisa telatttt... why... i felt ive done so much for this Indescribable deeply rooted mbencekno puol2an ta kutuk pake minyak si nyong2 abrakadabra juambuuuu classs... but it's just never gut enough??? si nenek lampir juga pake basa basi lagi nanya mo ngapain spring break setelah membuat aku maraahhhh bery bery bery upset kuadrat quadruple... yang jelas ga dating ama bacteria nenek!! then, i felt the warm tears falling, blurring my kacamata... n i just went to the restroom to avoid Renato Orsi, my brazillian TA yang uda mbo-hwat kali with me..
14:40 - fortune cookies says; somebody far gives you good news (terbukti Mila telpon)
second fortune cookies says; vacation . . . . (lupa) . . . . (yang pasti I need my spring break n its coming soon! yeah beibeh... for my buddies in DVC - i a m c o m i n g ! denger gak? AKU DATENG!!! ga denger? AKUUUU DATEEENNGGGG SABTUUUU TENGAHHHH MALEEMMM!!!! tetep ga denger>> tolong pergi ke THT terdekat.. if u hav insurance, kalo ga ada ya.. too bad.. u didnt hear the gut news uahuhaua... am i sedeng?)
00:20 - we encourage u to apply next year's Summer Scholars Program
ya ya ya... fine... aku menerima dengan lapang dada... tapi ciyut kerelaan. then im going back to CA for summer school in Berkeley kayaknya - masi planning. but then its gut im going Pinole again... I miss Pinolian... I miss mami yuli and my baby sitter; olive oil and carbol'u... or maybe am i going summer mission? well... lets see hows my other back up plans going...
my energy, guts and the instinct of survival seems like disumat dan dihanguskan hari ini
kata orang jawa - setengah, mati... tapi yang bener setengah, hidup
karena orang mati ya mati,,,
but orang hidup punya imaji+empati atas orang mati,,,
im not talking about mortality... cause i dun want to be breathless,,,
i want to deliver accomplisments in my life before I end up my natality,,,
t o d a y . . . i w a n t t o e n d t o d a y . . .
i like today honestly... there are ups and downs... there are hopes and failures... very contrast... deliberately very 'mengiris' both my mind and my feeling... others might say 'cuman gitu aja la' or 'tenang, masi ada kesempatan laen' or 'iya emang gitu orangnya' or 'udahlah, lupain aja' or 'lets not talk about it' but for me its the opposite, for me smua bukan sekedar 'gitu aja', for me... I f e e l a l i v e t o d a y
11:40 - vid, gw abis contact Janette. gw, ketrima di Cornell, is it possible by any mean that we become roomate?
yes.. sure if they release me from the lease. n yeah finally they release me!!! i guess si Jen ama patti ama satu orang lagi yg aku ga tau namane udah gleng2 kepala hahaha... studio-1bedroom-2bedroom-studio-2bedroom. thats the scenario. aniwae Ill move to Casa Roma!!! its not Roma but its a comfy 'papan' i guess with garasi yg beratap... i wont gorok2 salju lagi taun depan kalo mo pegi ke mall! hahaha.. sorry salju, that I avoid U, I just dun like ur intense adhesiveness on my car...
13:50 - our policy is very strict. u came late so u missed the quiz. sorry, u are a good student. don't worry. btw, where are u going for spring break? CA? uuhh, thats great! warm! enjoy then.
hey gimme a break, i dun wan to loose any more points in this class, meeting with bacteria twice a week has made me sick, tho they're cute for a peek under microscope, it doesnt mean i want to marry U! John Song sejauh galaxy bimasakti lebi cakep, bener kata Mboki!!!) kenapa tadi coba bisa telatttt... why... i felt ive done so much for this Indescribable deeply rooted mbencekno puol2an ta kutuk pake minyak si nyong2 abrakadabra juambuuuu classs... but it's just never gut enough??? si nenek lampir juga pake basa basi lagi nanya mo ngapain spring break setelah membuat aku maraahhhh bery bery bery upset kuadrat quadruple... yang jelas ga dating ama bacteria nenek!! then, i felt the warm tears falling, blurring my kacamata... n i just went to the restroom to avoid Renato Orsi, my brazillian TA yang uda mbo-hwat kali with me..
14:40 - fortune cookies says; somebody far gives you good news (terbukti Mila telpon)
second fortune cookies says; vacation . . . . (lupa) . . . . (yang pasti I need my spring break n its coming soon! yeah beibeh... for my buddies in DVC - i a m c o m i n g ! denger gak? AKU DATENG!!! ga denger? AKUUUU DATEEENNGGGG SABTUUUU TENGAHHHH MALEEMMM!!!! tetep ga denger>> tolong pergi ke THT terdekat.. if u hav insurance, kalo ga ada ya.. too bad.. u didnt hear the gut news uahuhaua... am i sedeng?)
00:20 - we encourage u to apply next year's Summer Scholars Program
ya ya ya... fine... aku menerima dengan lapang dada... tapi ciyut kerelaan. then im going back to CA for summer school in Berkeley kayaknya - masi planning. but then its gut im going Pinole again... I miss Pinolian... I miss mami yuli and my baby sitter; olive oil and carbol'u... or maybe am i going summer mission? well... lets see hows my other back up plans going...
my energy, guts and the instinct of survival seems like disumat dan dihanguskan hari ini
kata orang jawa - setengah, mati... tapi yang bener setengah, hidup
karena orang mati ya mati,,,
but orang hidup punya imaji+empati atas orang mati,,,
im not talking about mortality... cause i dun want to be breathless,,,
i want to deliver accomplisments in my life before I end up my natality,,,
t o d a y . . . i w a n t t o e n d t o d a y . . .
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
-K L A T-
yeah... treasuring... i guess thats the word of the day... why? hmm... no idea,,,
but hv been so busy lately my prelims are queing n to keep myself awake "melek-melotot" every nite i stuffed myself MASSIVE food... felt so guilty but i wanna welcome myself to a cornell life hahaha..
hari ini dari jam 12 malem ive been eating: 1wrap musho beef, 2apple, 3pieces of orange milano, 1 CTB mochaccino grande, 2x nasi+walnut shrimp+musho beef, 1raspberry biscotti, half cookies n bbrp gelas aer.. oaahhhh... n what is my activities to burn smua setan-lemak-busuk itu?
duduk selama berjam2 sejak bangun, pergi kelas lab bio-duduk lagi, pulang duduk lagi pushing my brain to understand and memorize all the reactions for my orgo prelims and then duduk lagi buat exam, pulang, sampe skrang di depan komputer... yang pasti tetap duduk,,, n i felt my cecek (kata tyok) melipat2!!! arrggghhhh.. i guess this is too much description but thennn i felt relieved!!!!
i hvent been berkumpul dengan manusia lately... yes cornell penuh dengan lautan orang... but I havent really talk to pple here... talk... the way i talk to my buddies (cc-luv u, GGC-stick wit U, ucil-my crush*, pak rian-my 'private' ryan, wibowo-he's WoW!, ivon-my fave jajan klepon~) sharing my thoughts, exchanging some gossips, latest news, and misc. things... just talk.. cracking my brain, wrecking my mouth, and vomitting my hearts' beat. I wanna talk tanpa harus bersopan santun ria, berbasa basi busa... I wanna talk... sincerely... percakapan yang menelanjangi satu sama lain... in short.
well.. ill find some times next week during my spring break... to fly my weariness away... and treasuring new things more and more...
but hv been so busy lately my prelims are queing n to keep myself awake "melek-melotot" every nite i stuffed myself MASSIVE food... felt so guilty but i wanna welcome myself to a cornell life hahaha..
hari ini dari jam 12 malem ive been eating: 1wrap musho beef, 2apple, 3pieces of orange milano, 1 CTB mochaccino grande, 2x nasi+walnut shrimp+musho beef, 1raspberry biscotti, half cookies n bbrp gelas aer.. oaahhhh... n what is my activities to burn smua setan-lemak-busuk itu?
duduk selama berjam2 sejak bangun, pergi kelas lab bio-duduk lagi, pulang duduk lagi pushing my brain to understand and memorize all the reactions for my orgo prelims and then duduk lagi buat exam, pulang, sampe skrang di depan komputer... yang pasti tetap duduk,,, n i felt my cecek (kata tyok) melipat2!!! arrggghhhh.. i guess this is too much description but thennn i felt relieved!!!!
i hvent been berkumpul dengan manusia lately... yes cornell penuh dengan lautan orang... but I havent really talk to pple here... talk... the way i talk to my buddies (cc-luv u, GGC-stick wit U, ucil-my crush*, pak rian-my 'private' ryan, wibowo-he's WoW!, ivon-my fave jajan klepon~) sharing my thoughts, exchanging some gossips, latest news, and misc. things... just talk.. cracking my brain, wrecking my mouth, and vomitting my hearts' beat. I wanna talk tanpa harus bersopan santun ria, berbasa basi busa... I wanna talk... sincerely... percakapan yang menelanjangi satu sama lain... in short.
well.. ill find some times next week during my spring break... to fly my weariness away... and treasuring new things more and more...
Saturday, February 25, 2006
I just found this kata-kata,,, and I think I get what it means...
Heart Determines
It's ok to kiss a fool,
Heart Determines
It's ok to kiss a fool,
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but never ever let a kiss fool you....
It's still best to wait for the one you want
than settle for the one available.
Best to wait for the one you love
than settle for one who's around.
Best to wait for the right one.
Life is short to waste on the wrong person....
It is better to meet the person who will truly love you later,
than meet someone now who promises to loveyou but sooner or later leave you forever.....
Never try to impress someone to make himher fall in love with you
If you do, you will be expected to keep the standard for the rest of your life...
Fate determines who comes into our lives.
The heart determines who stays...
Dalamnya Lautan...
aku baru sadar hari ini betapa kadang ku tidak mengenal orang2 di sekelilingku. itu karena aku tidak mengenal diriku lebih. banyak hal yang terjadi, banyak cerita telah tertulis, tapi kadang semuanya tidak membuat aku belajar untuk lebih dewasa. sepertinya perubahan2 yang begitu drastis bukan masalah sepele.
itu hanya sepenggal introduksi untuk secuil pemikiran yg menghabiskan waktuku hari ini.
mempertanyakan dalam hatiku. di manakah wajah2 yang selama ini aku cari? seakan mereka2 menyembunyikan batang hidungnya daripadaku. mungkin itu bukan intensi mereka. tapi kenyataannya kita mengambil persimpangan jalan yang berbeda sehingga kita hanya bisa berpaling karena sekalipun kita meneriakkan nama satu sama lain. gelombang suara itu dibelokkan oleh hembusan angin. entah ke mana. bukan maksudku untuk membiarkan itu terjadi tanpa berusaha. tapi tercekat. pita suaraku terbelit. atau mungkin berkelit.
tanpa kusadari pula, genangan air yang kulewati menampakkan bayangan diriku. betapa terkejutnya aku karena bola mata ini juling. dan kuingin menahan pedihnya bahwa aku begitu picik. dan kulihat lagi dalam cerminan itu. tampak sepasang mata hitam nanar indahnya. dan pemiliknya. kenapa selalu ada kabut yang menghalau penglihatanku. membuat jalanku remang. tanpa arah untuk meraih tangan seseorang untuk kujadikan pegangan. sekian kali hanya bayangannya yang mengelabuiku. meninggalkan sesat dalam ketulusan. sekali lagi ku telah dikelabui. nun gontaiku sudah berawal. untuk menuntunku kembali ke awal.
untuk seseorang yang telah mendeteksi betapa rapuhnya fondasi otakku atas arsitektur jendela hatiku. kuakui kau detektif yang produktif.
itu hanya sepenggal introduksi untuk secuil pemikiran yg menghabiskan waktuku hari ini.
mempertanyakan dalam hatiku. di manakah wajah2 yang selama ini aku cari? seakan mereka2 menyembunyikan batang hidungnya daripadaku. mungkin itu bukan intensi mereka. tapi kenyataannya kita mengambil persimpangan jalan yang berbeda sehingga kita hanya bisa berpaling karena sekalipun kita meneriakkan nama satu sama lain. gelombang suara itu dibelokkan oleh hembusan angin. entah ke mana. bukan maksudku untuk membiarkan itu terjadi tanpa berusaha. tapi tercekat. pita suaraku terbelit. atau mungkin berkelit.
tanpa kusadari pula, genangan air yang kulewati menampakkan bayangan diriku. betapa terkejutnya aku karena bola mata ini juling. dan kuingin menahan pedihnya bahwa aku begitu picik. dan kulihat lagi dalam cerminan itu. tampak sepasang mata hitam nanar indahnya. dan pemiliknya. kenapa selalu ada kabut yang menghalau penglihatanku. membuat jalanku remang. tanpa arah untuk meraih tangan seseorang untuk kujadikan pegangan. sekian kali hanya bayangannya yang mengelabuiku. meninggalkan sesat dalam ketulusan. sekali lagi ku telah dikelabui. nun gontaiku sudah berawal. untuk menuntunku kembali ke awal.
untuk seseorang yang telah mendeteksi betapa rapuhnya fondasi otakku atas arsitektur jendela hatiku. kuakui kau detektif yang produktif.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
FlaSh.. SpLaSHh... ~flusshhh~
I should be glad for what I did not deserve...
I should be grateful for what I could not acquire...
I should be human for feeling desperately dissapointed...
Whatever doubt that clogs my arteri...
would never get me a cardiovascular disease!
heart attack is possible,,,
and I might die sooner than I expected!
I do not need a formaldehyde balm to eternity...
indeed I will dissapear for being diggested by the tear-jerked scavengers...
capturing a greater probability for a glimpse of reunion,,, in the next reincarnation...
I should be grateful for what I could not acquire...
I should be human for feeling desperately dissapointed...
Whatever doubt that clogs my arteri...
would never get me a cardiovascular disease!
heart attack is possible,,,
and I might die sooner than I expected!
I do not need a formaldehyde balm to eternity...
indeed I will dissapear for being diggested by the tear-jerked scavengers...
capturing a greater probability for a glimpse of reunion,,, in the next reincarnation...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
His *love* is X~traVaganT...
yep yep... Jus wanna shout that it was amazing..!!! Wonderful is His plans for me...^^!!! Finally... I got my acceptance letter from CORNELL, an Ivy League campus!!! hahaha... I jus cant differentiate between laughter and tears... I jus cant believe it... this is the first time in my life that I was crying because of happiness...
during 3weeks struggle of making the personal statement... I realize that there is a thin line between hope and giving up. but thats the time that I realize how He loves me so much... day by day... and how unthankful I am if I cant give my BESTest to Him... and there it is all the hard work... He gives me the promise on time... not too early... and not too late...
although cc really dissapointed me at the first time, as she "mencabut" her promise to make the personal statement for me for some reason (wrong request though,,, instead of editing, I expected finished product of essay), I truly glad that she did it...
I still remembered the email she sent to me... It is not a matter that I didnt hav time to make it nor the ability to make one, its just I didnt want to push myself more.. more.. beyond my limit... she told me so... and thats soo true Sis... its time for me to grow up... and stand on my on feet...
aniwae she is still the MosT sUper DUpA LoveEly sister that Ive ever had... she still helped me edit my personal statement...
and for all my Buddies that had helped me... Im so thankful... more than words can explain...
One of them ever said to me that 'I will help you all I can Vid... u can trust me... cause you deserve to go there' UuHHhhmmm.. a bit Ge-Er.. im not those geniuses but all I can do is just giving my best.. and im just soo terharuuu... it was 5am I guess.. and we're still thinking the topic of question3.. not even writing a paragraph...
It just He works through the people that helps me... all...
and yeah... I just want to continue doing my best... cause thats my part..
I will not walk by sight anymore but with faith... producing nothing to impossibilities...
Ma, Pa... here I am and I will never ever dissapoint you...
I just want to go home asapp.. and show how my life is changed by His love...
during 3weeks struggle of making the personal statement... I realize that there is a thin line between hope and giving up. but thats the time that I realize how He loves me so much... day by day... and how unthankful I am if I cant give my BESTest to Him... and there it is all the hard work... He gives me the promise on time... not too early... and not too late...
although cc really dissapointed me at the first time, as she "mencabut" her promise to make the personal statement for me for some reason (wrong request though,,, instead of editing, I expected finished product of essay), I truly glad that she did it...
I still remembered the email she sent to me... It is not a matter that I didnt hav time to make it nor the ability to make one, its just I didnt want to push myself more.. more.. beyond my limit... she told me so... and thats soo true Sis... its time for me to grow up... and stand on my on feet...
aniwae she is still the MosT sUper DUpA LoveEly sister that Ive ever had... she still helped me edit my personal statement...
and for all my Buddies that had helped me... Im so thankful... more than words can explain...
One of them ever said to me that 'I will help you all I can Vid... u can trust me... cause you deserve to go there' UuHHhhmmm.. a bit Ge-Er.. im not those geniuses but all I can do is just giving my best.. and im just soo terharuuu... it was 5am I guess.. and we're still thinking the topic of question3.. not even writing a paragraph...
It just He works through the people that helps me... all...
and yeah... I just want to continue doing my best... cause thats my part..
I will not walk by sight anymore but with faith... producing nothing to impossibilities...
Ma, Pa... here I am and I will never ever dissapoint you...
I just want to go home asapp.. and show how my life is changed by His love...
Saturday, September 17, 2005
mengais masa lalu...
redup sudah dian purnama malam ini...
membayangi sejuta pikiran
yang mengais masa lalu...
mungkin berlalu sambil menoleh
nun ku jatuh dan terantuk...
bilamana ku bangun
membangun komitmen baru
seakan berat menghapus kenangan
menyeret ataukah terseret...
mungkin bukan dunia bila tidak ada pilihan
pilihan bukan pikiran...
pikiran bukan pelarian...
semakin berlari semakin lelah ku berusaha...
dan bila sudah tiba waktunya
ku kan tahu jawabnya...
Jawaban atas 3 purnama lamanya...
membayangi sejuta pikiran
yang mengais masa lalu...
mungkin berlalu sambil menoleh
nun ku jatuh dan terantuk...
bilamana ku bangun
membangun komitmen baru
seakan berat menghapus kenangan
menyeret ataukah terseret...
mungkin bukan dunia bila tidak ada pilihan
pilihan bukan pikiran...
pikiran bukan pelarian...
semakin berlari semakin lelah ku berusaha...
dan bila sudah tiba waktunya
ku kan tahu jawabnya...
Jawaban atas 3 purnama lamanya...
Friday, July 29, 2005
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
fat free - stress free
hahahaha... heran juga ya sejak kapan aku mulai tergila gila ama semua makanan yg fat free!!! sampe makanan bayi yg tasteless aja dibilang enak ^^ tapi enak beneran sih.. kayak sweet potato bites nya Licia... hMhMmm... 1kaleng plastik cuma 100kalori doank.. haha.. i feel good.. sinless.. haha
aha.. i know mungkin gara2 makanan fat free resulting in stress free kali yaa...
ada ada aja.. btw kmren baru beli springles yg fat free... alhasil makan kebanyakan hampir mo batuk.. untung nda keterusan... tapi hari ini ke rumah temen ada LaY's --> sama aja... mwahahahaha... maklummm... cewe gituuu...
it feels gut when u feel puas pas ngemil hahaha.. isn't it!?! ^-^ U roCK...
and So it is...
summer ini ambil kelas chem kayak orgiL dekil gokkIL... pengen teriakkk I HavE nOo LIFE huahuaha... tapi i suggest people to take it.. but work hard!!! daripada ambil semster biasa kayake ini isa lebih fokus sih soale nda ada kelas laen.. kcuali ambil yoga pagi2 hahaha... i've been trying hard to wake up at 7. it's working the first week but turned out to be "beep" maleSs bangettt.... =P
and,,
messy mind!!!
ive been wondering around banyak banget ni di pikirannn...
musti volunteer musti kerja musti ambil toefl SAT musti maen2 juga musti masak musti bersih2 rumah musti jual buku fuihh....
banyak banget yaaa...
arrrgggggghhhhhhhh.....
aniwae take it EZ.. ada waktunya ndiri kok..
better sleep sleep sleep... zZZZzzZzZZz... ^(OO)^
aha.. i know mungkin gara2 makanan fat free resulting in stress free kali yaa...
ada ada aja.. btw kmren baru beli springles yg fat free... alhasil makan kebanyakan hampir mo batuk.. untung nda keterusan... tapi hari ini ke rumah temen ada LaY's --> sama aja... mwahahahaha... maklummm... cewe gituuu...
it feels gut when u feel puas pas ngemil hahaha.. isn't it!?! ^-^ U roCK...
and So it is...
summer ini ambil kelas chem kayak orgiL dekil gokkIL... pengen teriakkk I HavE nOo LIFE huahuaha... tapi i suggest people to take it.. but work hard!!! daripada ambil semster biasa kayake ini isa lebih fokus sih soale nda ada kelas laen.. kcuali ambil yoga pagi2 hahaha... i've been trying hard to wake up at 7. it's working the first week but turned out to be "beep" maleSs bangettt.... =P
and,,
messy mind!!!
ive been wondering around banyak banget ni di pikirannn...
musti volunteer musti kerja musti ambil toefl SAT musti maen2 juga musti masak musti bersih2 rumah musti jual buku fuihh....
banyak banget yaaa...
arrrgggggghhhhhhhh.....
aniwae take it EZ.. ada waktunya ndiri kok..
better sleep sleep sleep... zZZZzzZzZZz... ^(OO)^
Sunday, May 01, 2005
face it with no fear!
janji adalah janji..
kayaknya sekarang aku uda bisa ngerti kalo dunia ini bukan mesin. dalam konteks kalo aku pingin sesuatu then i'll get it instantaneously. everything comes in process. Juga perjanjianku dengan "Dia yang namaNya boleh disebut" [sok harry potter banget]semua datang seperti apa yang tlah dijanjikan.. ada trade off dan ada consequency tapi semua itu worth it...
Kadang memulai sesuatu dari diri sendiri emang susah, tapi ngga ada salahnya untuk dicoba dan diusahakan.. T-R-Y.. coz u'll nver know 'till u try...
And from the effort of trying i learnt a lot of things which challenges me, and shape me to be tougher and tougher..
I don't deny that I'm struggling hard.. but it's the art
Thank you for teaching me to realize that...
**
For Margareth, murid Haas BUsiness of School Berkeley yang lemotnya minta ampun..
MAR you WILD! I'm so proud of you.. You're my motivation of the day..
I'll follow your hard work and be like you one year from today... to make my Mom proud of me..
kayaknya sekarang aku uda bisa ngerti kalo dunia ini bukan mesin. dalam konteks kalo aku pingin sesuatu then i'll get it instantaneously. everything comes in process. Juga perjanjianku dengan "Dia yang namaNya boleh disebut" [sok harry potter banget]semua datang seperti apa yang tlah dijanjikan.. ada trade off dan ada consequency tapi semua itu worth it...
Kadang memulai sesuatu dari diri sendiri emang susah, tapi ngga ada salahnya untuk dicoba dan diusahakan.. T-R-Y.. coz u'll nver know 'till u try...
And from the effort of trying i learnt a lot of things which challenges me, and shape me to be tougher and tougher..
I don't deny that I'm struggling hard.. but it's the art
Thank you for teaching me to realize that...
**
For Margareth, murid Haas BUsiness of School Berkeley yang lemotnya minta ampun..
MAR you WILD! I'm so proud of you.. You're my motivation of the day..
I'll follow your hard work and be like you one year from today... to make my Mom proud of me..
Sunday, March 06, 2005
takut berharap
lain dari biasanya...
that's all that i wanna sae..^^
tapi aku bener2 takut untuk berharap.. takut untuk mengetahui yang sebenarnya.. takut mendengar fakta.. takut untuk menghitung hari tanpa kepastian..
sedemikian kali aku meminta..
sedemikian kali doaku tertunda..
sedemikian kali doaku dijawab..
aku memang diombang ambingkan tapi ku tak pernah berhenti percaya dan berharap.. harapan yang menjadi kenyataan..
setengah hatiku meluapkan antusias tiada batas...
separoh jantungku berdegup gugup..
akankah semuanya berjalan sesuai skenario..
tidak... tidak... karena naskah itu tidak padaku.. pada Dia lakonku diperankan..
tapi sungguh aku takut berharap..
**
dikoyakkan sudah mataku... dan tetes air mata menepis pedihnya..
sekarang aku mengerti betapa aku kadang sendiri begitu palsu atas sekelilingku. kadang aku menuntut terlalu lebih tanpa memberi lebih. bukan sesuatu yang mahal hingga tak terbeli, sesuatu yang murah sampai uangpun tak mampu membeli..
kini kan kubuka mata dan mata hatiku lebar2..
supaya aku mengerti bahwa yang kupetik adalah yang kutanam..
dan supaya tidak akan ku kehilangan apa yang kutanam di dalam hati temanku.. terima kasihku atas kejujuranmu..
for both of my astonishing buddies..
that's all that i wanna sae..^^
tapi aku bener2 takut untuk berharap.. takut untuk mengetahui yang sebenarnya.. takut mendengar fakta.. takut untuk menghitung hari tanpa kepastian..
sedemikian kali aku meminta..
sedemikian kali doaku tertunda..
sedemikian kali doaku dijawab..
aku memang diombang ambingkan tapi ku tak pernah berhenti percaya dan berharap.. harapan yang menjadi kenyataan..
setengah hatiku meluapkan antusias tiada batas...
separoh jantungku berdegup gugup..
akankah semuanya berjalan sesuai skenario..
tidak... tidak... karena naskah itu tidak padaku.. pada Dia lakonku diperankan..
tapi sungguh aku takut berharap..
**
dikoyakkan sudah mataku... dan tetes air mata menepis pedihnya..
sekarang aku mengerti betapa aku kadang sendiri begitu palsu atas sekelilingku. kadang aku menuntut terlalu lebih tanpa memberi lebih. bukan sesuatu yang mahal hingga tak terbeli, sesuatu yang murah sampai uangpun tak mampu membeli..
kini kan kubuka mata dan mata hatiku lebar2..
supaya aku mengerti bahwa yang kupetik adalah yang kutanam..
dan supaya tidak akan ku kehilangan apa yang kutanam di dalam hati temanku.. terima kasihku atas kejujuranmu..
for both of my astonishing buddies..
Sunday, February 13, 2005
sepenuh hati
"kadang qta ngga nyadar kalo sebenernya ada pintu laen yg terbuka buat qta di saat qta menunggu pintu yg tertutup".
sebenernya sih bener juga.. buat apa gitu nunggu sesuatu yang ngga pasti sedangkan yg laen itu uda jaminan. dalam hal ini mungkin aku terlalu perfeksionis ato bisa dibilang ngga fleksibel si cuman it's just not easy for me..
soalnya aku ngerasa aku lebi familiar dengan pintu yg terdahulu..
in my perspektif siapa tau if i wait "a little" longer.. someone will open the door for me... who knows.. tapi siapa tau juga aku uda nunggu lama tapi nda ada hasil eh malahan smua pintu uda kekunci... alhasil tidur di pinggir jalan de huahuaha... jayus juga ya... dilemma... sadis juga iya..
itulah mungkin qta dituntut untuk bisa buat keputusan yg bijaksana
ngga cuma asal2an.. n mesti dipikir sungguh2
supaya ngga nyesel..
karena skrang aku nyadar semua kesempatan yg ada benere cuman dateng 1kali setelah itu nda ada tawaran ulang...
if u want it then u have to take it.. with all the risks..
if u don't want it then leave it...
there is no grey between black and white..
begitu juga hal ini..
seharusnya kuteguhkan hatiku lebih
supaya aku tau bahwa hatiku yang berbicara..
muraniku yang berbisik.. bahwa ia benar..
sebenernya sih bener juga.. buat apa gitu nunggu sesuatu yang ngga pasti sedangkan yg laen itu uda jaminan. dalam hal ini mungkin aku terlalu perfeksionis ato bisa dibilang ngga fleksibel si cuman it's just not easy for me..
soalnya aku ngerasa aku lebi familiar dengan pintu yg terdahulu..
in my perspektif siapa tau if i wait "a little" longer.. someone will open the door for me... who knows.. tapi siapa tau juga aku uda nunggu lama tapi nda ada hasil eh malahan smua pintu uda kekunci... alhasil tidur di pinggir jalan de huahuaha... jayus juga ya... dilemma... sadis juga iya..
itulah mungkin qta dituntut untuk bisa buat keputusan yg bijaksana
ngga cuma asal2an.. n mesti dipikir sungguh2
supaya ngga nyesel..
karena skrang aku nyadar semua kesempatan yg ada benere cuman dateng 1kali setelah itu nda ada tawaran ulang...
if u want it then u have to take it.. with all the risks..
if u don't want it then leave it...
there is no grey between black and white..
begitu juga hal ini..
seharusnya kuteguhkan hatiku lebih
supaya aku tau bahwa hatiku yang berbicara..
muraniku yang berbisik.. bahwa ia benar..
Saturday, February 12, 2005
nineteenth...
Yesterdae is my bdae...^^ turning 19 already..
19 years i've been living in this world wit all the things i've done n all the plans that i wanna make for my future..
I feel like i'm an explorer in this adventurous world..
aniwae dat's a wonderful dae.. a blessing.. a new page..
one disapponting thing...
one of my old buddies has forgotten my bdae... so sadd...
I didn't expect that much.. but it's just my bdae.. plz sae something.. >_<
maybe we didn't mean to be 'friends' like it used to be..
these are the time that I fear the most.. when it really hurts..
19 years i've been living in this world wit all the things i've done n all the plans that i wanna make for my future..
I feel like i'm an explorer in this adventurous world..
aniwae dat's a wonderful dae.. a blessing.. a new page..
one disapponting thing...
one of my old buddies has forgotten my bdae... so sadd...
I didn't expect that much.. but it's just my bdae.. plz sae something.. >_<
maybe we didn't mean to be 'friends' like it used to be..
these are the time that I fear the most.. when it really hurts..
Saturday, January 29, 2005
T.G.I.F ~ Thank's GOD It's Friday
it's really TGIF...
akhirnya weekend dateng juga... but so sad >_<>
hari ini tadi aku ikutan workshop for tutoring... it's kinda fun loh...
tapi boring juga si... bayangin 3jem duduk doank...
but todae I met Jennifer Blackman, ketua Tutoring Center di DVC wuikk keren puol..
it seems that dia bener2 uda pengalaman... she knew all the details!
sampe percakapan yang mungkin bakal terjadi between tutor and tutee aja dia bisa nebak!
i just wonder gimana dia bisa bertahan memperdalam keahliannya aja... 15taon in DVC...
those pple seems like challenging me...
mereka itu kyaknya tu liat aku sambil bilang... u can be an expert like me...
hahaha.. aku kegedean rasa kali ya...
another issue lately...
aku slalu bertanya2 dlem hati, knapa waktu itu kadang ngga adil banget.
semuanya berlalu cepet banget, dan aku ngerasa kesempatan kedua selalu ngga tersedia buat aku...
it's just unfair..
tapi ini bukan masalah adil ato engga...
it's just about the right time sebenernya... just be patience...
tapi kenapa semua harus terlewatkan tanpa aku sadar dan ketika aku sadar semua sudah terlambat...
aku butuh jawaban, apakah ini harus kulalui supaya aku lebih peka... makin peka...
sakit banget... it's just something missing within me..
...
kadang waktu membuatku berpikir
terjungkir balik
membentur tulang belulangku
mungkin membuatku terkoyak
tapi sejenak mengetuk
bertanya
kuberpikir
mereka bilang itulah quantum
gumpalan lubang hitam
tapi memoriku menyangkal
membawa kembali kenangan
dan bukan kemampuanku
untuk memutar kembali waktu
bila saja kubanting detik-detik di dinding
dan membekukannya dalam desau angin
ku kan mengenangmu tanpa penyesalan
...
akhirnya weekend dateng juga... but so sad >_<>
hari ini tadi aku ikutan workshop for tutoring... it's kinda fun loh...
tapi boring juga si... bayangin 3jem duduk doank...
but todae I met Jennifer Blackman, ketua Tutoring Center di DVC wuikk keren puol..
it seems that dia bener2 uda pengalaman... she knew all the details!
sampe percakapan yang mungkin bakal terjadi between tutor and tutee aja dia bisa nebak!
i just wonder gimana dia bisa bertahan memperdalam keahliannya aja... 15taon in DVC...
those pple seems like challenging me...
mereka itu kyaknya tu liat aku sambil bilang... u can be an expert like me...
hahaha.. aku kegedean rasa kali ya...
another issue lately...
aku slalu bertanya2 dlem hati, knapa waktu itu kadang ngga adil banget.
semuanya berlalu cepet banget, dan aku ngerasa kesempatan kedua selalu ngga tersedia buat aku...
it's just unfair..
tapi ini bukan masalah adil ato engga...
it's just about the right time sebenernya... just be patience...
tapi kenapa semua harus terlewatkan tanpa aku sadar dan ketika aku sadar semua sudah terlambat...
aku butuh jawaban, apakah ini harus kulalui supaya aku lebih peka... makin peka...
sakit banget... it's just something missing within me..
...
kadang waktu membuatku berpikir
terjungkir balik
membentur tulang belulangku
mungkin membuatku terkoyak
tapi sejenak mengetuk
bertanya
kuberpikir
mereka bilang itulah quantum
gumpalan lubang hitam
tapi memoriku menyangkal
membawa kembali kenangan
dan bukan kemampuanku
untuk memutar kembali waktu
bila saja kubanting detik-detik di dinding
dan membekukannya dalam desau angin
ku kan mengenangmu tanpa penyesalan
...
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